We asked Melbourne to confess. Melbourne delivered. These are real, anonymous, and deeply unhinged.
#melbzconfessions — Submit yours at the bottom.
1.
“I’ve lived in Melbourne for 8 years and still haven’t been to MONA. I just nod when people talk about it.”
2.
“I walk 20 minutes past 3 perfectly good cafes to get to ‘my’ cafe because I panic-bought a loyalty card on my first visit and now I’m emotionally trapped.”
3.
“I tell people I prefer Melbourne over Sydney because of the culture. Honestly, it’s because I can’t afford Sydney.”
4.
“I told my date I live in Fitzroy. I live in Reservoir. We’re now in a relationship built on a geographic lie.”
5.
“I have a favourite laneway but I refuse to tell anyone about it because the second it ends up on Instagram it’s dead to me.”
6.
“I ordered a flat white at 3pm and the barista looked at me like I’d committed a crime. I’ve been thinking about it for three days.”
7.
“I’ve pretended to like natural wine at six different bars this year. It all tastes like kombucha that’s been left in the sun.”
8.
“My Myki has been in negative balance for two months. I just tap on confidently and pray.”
9.
“I once told a real estate agent I loved the ‘character’ of a $580/week studio in Collingwood. The character was mould.”
10.
“I judge people who go to Lygon Street for Italian food. I also go to Lygon Street for Italian food.”
11.
“I moved to Brunswick for the ‘community feel.’ I have not spoken to a single neighbour in 14 months.”
12.
“Every time someone asks me where to eat in Melbourne I panic and recommend the same three places I went to in 2019.”
13.
“I call myself a ‘foodie’ but my most-ordered Uber Eats item is a HSP from a kebab shop in Footscray.”
14.
“I’ve never been to the Yarra Valley. I’ve told at least four interstate visitors that it’s ‘incredible.’”
15.
“I spent $47 on avocado toast and a turmeric latte in South Yarra and I would absolutely do it again.”
16.
“My friend asked me to help them move to the outer suburbs and I genuinely considered ending the friendship.”
17.
“I have 11 tote bags from Melbourne markets. I forget all of them every time I go to Coles.”
18.
“I wear all black every day and tell people it’s a style choice. It’s actually because Melbourne weather stained my only white shirt in 2022 and I never recovered.”
19.
“I said ‘Melbourne has four seasons in one day’ to a tourist and immediately hated myself for becoming that person.”
20.
“I pretend to understand the tram network. I have missed my stop at least 400 times. I will never admit this to anyone.”
Got a confession? DM us on Instagram @melbzhq or email confessions@melbz.com.au. Anonymous. Always.
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